A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three
identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left
A short elderly woman burst into a pet store. "I want to buy a canary,
but it's got to be a good singer! I've got good, hard US cash, but I'm only
paying for a good singer."
There was this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets *VERY* quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Beware of the Parrot
This postman is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT! He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. He opens the gate and walks into the garden. He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "SIC EM, REX, ATTACK!"
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again." Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.
A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her. "Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious."
"WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it! That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!"
The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot."
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one of his wings. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 -- just make an offer."
Guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. Guy is delighted.
One day guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "pssst," and motions him over with one of his wings. Guy goes up close to the cage.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."
"What?" says the guy. "What!?"
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down..." The parrot pauses for a long time.
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the Parrot, "I got aroused and fell off my perch."
A fellow walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The potential customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet. He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink .
The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper." His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown." The bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.
A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports "Bird's dead". The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks "Filed off too much beak?" To which the former bird owner replies "Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vise."
A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird.
The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady."
She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?"
The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."
A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.
She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.
He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot (did I mention she had a parrot?) said, "Who is it?". He replied, "It's the plumber.".
He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?". He said, "It's the plumber!".
He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?". He said, "IT'S THE PLUMBER!!!!!!!!".
Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.
The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "WHO IS IT?!".
The parrot said, "It's the plumber."
A black man walks casually into a bar with an extremely large and ugly parrot on his shoulder. The bartender can't refrain from commenting.
"Where did you get that big ugly thing?" he asks.
"Africa," replies the bird.
A man came into a pet shop carrying a parrot in a bird cage.
"I want to return this bird," said he.
The owner sighed at the prospect of facing yet another this-bird-won't-talk complaint.
"Sir," he said, "we guarantee that all our parrots can talk. However, we can't guarantee when they will talk. It's all spelled out on your sales receipt."
"No, no, you don't understand," the customer said. "The bird talks. I just don't like his attitude."
Puzzled, the store owner said, "You're right. I don't understand. Explain it to me."
"I bought the bird a week ago," the customer said. "Every morning, I'd stand in front of his cage and ask 'Can you talk?' I did the same thing every evening. For six days, I got no response. Then, this morning, I shouted at the bird, 'CAN YOU TALK, SILLY BIRD? CAN YOU TALK?'"
The customer glared at the parrot. The owner asked, "So, what happened?"
"That bird looked at me," the customer said, "and said,
'I can talk, all right. Can you fly?'"
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes ... the chicken was delicious"
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop-owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing," the young man asked excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner then held a match under the parrot's left foot. Almost immediately, Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!......." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Chet's tune changed and the air was filled with: "Silent Night! Holy Night!......."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful," she exclaimed. "Can he talk?!"
"No," the young man replied, "but he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!......." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot and out came: "Silent Night. Holy Night........"
he wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it!" he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.
Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, then the little parrot sang out loudly --like it was the performance of his life -- " Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire ....."
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost. The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad,"
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.
A couple of hours later, the woman's husband, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores... ...same old faces. Hi Fred."
This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.
"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper.
"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires.
"I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.