Computer Humor

Upgrading to Wife 1.0 

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. 
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before). 

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. 

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0: 

A "don't remind me again" button. 
Minimize button. 
Ability to delete the "headache" file 
An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources. 
An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective. 
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2. 

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0! 

VIRUS ALERT 

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems. 

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!! 

For a follow-up to this saga, see Male Friend Needs Technical Support.

 
Male Friend Needs Technical Support 

Sequel to Upgrading to Wife 1.0. 
Can you please advise me. I'm having some problems. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. 

I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although -he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Can you help?? 

Recently, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that get 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

• For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
• Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.  You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
• The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
• The airbag system would ask "are you sure" before deploying.
• Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 
• Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
• You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

   

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Top Twelve Reasons Why Computers Must Be Male

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
8. The lights are on but nobody's home.
9. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
10. Size does matter.
11. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
12. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

Five Reasons to Believe Computers are Female

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Abbreviations

 

PCMCIA	People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN	It Still Does Nothing
APPLE	Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI	System Can't See It
DOS	Defective Operating System
BASIC	Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM	I Blame Microsoft
DEC	Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM	Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2	Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW	World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH	Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM	Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL	Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA	A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP	Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS	Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS	Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT	Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers