Jewish Humor

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very, VERY attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "Who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his puzzled look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and she walked out of the store.

The guy stood there for a minute dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is a really attractive woman who can't even keep track of who fathers her children!"

Then he began to get a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party back in college and then we got really drunk and had this wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's HEBREW SCHOOL TEACHER!"

Jewish Air Conditioning

It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of Henry Ford, the car maker, "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."

Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."

After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr. Ford."

"What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!" "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr.Ford, and push the white button."

Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.

"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"

Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused.

And there is something else. The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-Conditioning must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!"

"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!"

They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' lastname would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.

And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel:

Norm, Hi and Max.

Things you never learned in Hebrew School

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
You need 10 men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
Spring ahead, Fall back, Winter in Boca.
WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.

---

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that she had never climaxed during sex and by birthright, all Jewish women are entitled to at least one climax during sex. So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi tells them to get a young, strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex. This, the rabbi says, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple tries it.

After several attempts, still no climax. They go back to the rabbi. The rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel. They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming earsplitting climaxes, one after the other. When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says, "You see, schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel!"

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.
She says to the clerk: "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps ? "
"What denomination ? " asks the clerk.
The woman says: " Oy vey... Has it come to this?
Okay, Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform. "

A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.  I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the  poison."

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?" 

The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression - 'Vus tutzuch?'  In Yiddish it means, "What's Happening?"  They just ask each other Vus tutzuch, and they know everything." 

The President can't believe a network is that good and decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true.  He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, long grayish beard. etc.) is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Orthodox Jewish neighborhood.

Within three minutes a little old man comes shuffling along.  The President stops him and whispers, "Vus tutzuch?"

The old guy whispers back, "Bush is in Brooklyn."

Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.

Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

She screams, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"

Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they set their new brides straight on their household duties as wives.

The 1st man married a woman from Georgia and bragged that he had told her she was to do all the dishes and housecleaning needed. He said it took a couple days but on the 3rd day he came home to find the dishes and house spotlessly clean.

The 2nd man had married a woman from Idaho. He bragged that he had given his wife orders too, to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. He didn't see any results on the 1st day, but by the 3rd day, his house was clean, dishes done and a huge dinner on the table.

The 3rd man married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he had told his wife to clean the house, do the dishes and laundry, and that it was her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he still didn't see anything, but by the 3rd day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye

Q: Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?
A: Because it's the last time he'll put his foot down.

Jewish Marriage advice:
"Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?"

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5 pounds.

Morris, went to his rabbi for some needed advice.
"Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?"
"No Morris, a man should not profit from another's man mistakes" answered the rabbi.
"Are you sure Rabbi?"
"Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed the Rabbi.
"Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife.?"

Sam is shouting at his wife, Becky. "Oh no, not another new dress and accessories. Just where do you think I am going to get the money to pay for it all?"
Becky replies, "I may be a lot of different things to many people, but I'm certainly not inquisitive!"

It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.
Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologize.
"Hello, darling," he said, "what are you making for dinner?"
"What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner?? Poison, that's what I'm making, poison."
Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm not coming home

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that "Won Ton" spelled backwards is "Not Now."

There's a big controversy on question of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to inform her that her check had come back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

A man calls his mother in Florida: "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answers, "I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "That's wonderful! What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll just sit here in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "I wish I had your will-power," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is Shooting Star." "How nice," says his mother. "I have an Indian name, too," he says. "It's Running Deer and I want you to call me that from now on." "How nice," says his mother. "You should have an Indian name, too, Mom," he says. "I already do," says the mother. "You can call me Sitting Shiva."

Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

After many years, a Jewish mother gets the phone call she never thought she'd get from her openly gay son. "Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're going to get married." Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask if she's Jewish?" Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from a very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family." Mom is beside herself with joy and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me! What's her name?" The son says, "Monica Lewinsky." Mom is silent for a moment and then says, "What ever happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?"

If you are at a wedding and you want to know what type of Synagogue you are in, here is how you tell: At a Chassidic Synagogue, the mother-in-law is pregnant. At a Conservative Synagogue, the bride is pregnant. At a Reform Synagogue, the rabbi is pregnant

A group of leading medical researchers have published data indicating that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It seems that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran Matzos, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is..."Let My People Go."

Old Jewish men in Miami get hernias from wearing chai's which are too heavy. This condition is called chaiatal hernia!

If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry? A bris kit!

JEWISH JEOPARDY We give the answer, you give the question

 A: Midrash
 Q: What is a Middle East skin disease?

A: The Gaza Strip 
Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?

A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke 
Q: What are a cheder, a seder, and a tater?

A: Sofer 
Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover?

A: Babylon 
Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons?

A: Filet Minyan 
Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?

A: Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision 
Q: What are a gut, a hut, and a cut?

And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi is offering circumcisions via the Internet. The service is to be called..."E-MOIL

Four Jewish ladies are sitting around playing mah jongg.

The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all for a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But don't worry I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."

The next lady says, "Well, since we are having a true confessions here, I must get something off my chest. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry I have not hit on your husbands . They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I too must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry; I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also.....I am a Yenta and I have some phone calls to make."

Julius and Irving, two very religious Jewish men, visited Marcus Pinkus the tailor to have new black suits made. When they went to pick up the suits, Julius looked at his suit very carefully; held it up to the light, walked over to the window and examined it more carefully and then proclaimed, "Marcus, this suit is navy blue. It's not black!"

"Trust me." said Marcus, "It's black!"

"Irving, what do you think? Blue, or black?" asked Julius.

"To tell you the truth," said Irving, "I couldn't really tell from this light if it's blue or black"

They left wearing their new suits and while walking down the street kept examining each other's suit to see if it was blue or black.  Then they spotted two nuns standing on the corner and decided to go stand next to them. They knew their habits would be black and this way they could be sure.

Well, later that afternoon, the two nuns returned to the convent and visited with mother superior to discuss their day in the city.

"A very strange thing occurred." reported one of the nuns. "Two Jewish men approached us on the street and they were speaking Latin!"

"Latin?" exclaimed mother superior. "Jewish men don't speak Latin; they speak Hebrew!"
"No." said the other nun. "It was definitely Latin!"

"Well, what did they say exactly," asked the mother superior.

"I'm not really sure," said one of the nuns. "They just kept repeating the same Latin phrase, "Marcus Pinkus Fuctus!"

The Priest And The Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"

The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."

The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..."

The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?!"

A Jew converts and becomes a priest. He give his first mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal goes up to congratulate him.
"Pastor Sheldon," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time,
don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."

Jewish Genie

A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the role of magic lamps in jokes) he rubbed it.

POOF! A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie.

"Vey!" he said. "Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?"

The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes. "Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins"

"Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration "I'd like to be white and surrounded by women."

"No problem" said the Genie, POOF! - the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.

Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie - there's always a string attached.

A not particularly religious fellow wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is considered a sin. He is not sure if sex is considered "work."

He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says, "My son, I am positive sex is "work" and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?"

He goes to the minister--a married man--for the answer. He queries the minister and receives
the same reply. Sex is "work" and not for the Sabbath.

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely not work." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work... my wife would have the maid do it."

"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people." the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?"

After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well for one thing, the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years."

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So -- you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." He hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No . . . I think I'll wait for the police."

The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
There's nothing like a good belch. 
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia. 
Never pay retail. 
Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre. 
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover. 
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana. 
And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
 If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too. 
Always leave a little room for the Viennese table. 
Always whisper the names of diseases. 
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. 
If you don't eat, it will kill me. 
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. 
The most important word to know in any language is sale. 
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon. 
Never take a front-row seat at a bris. 
Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste. 
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise? 
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed. 
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach. 
The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the street parking is suspended.
You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle. 
A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight. 
A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing. 
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy? 
Before you read the menu, read the prices. 
There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45. 
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants. 
Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish. 
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear. 
No meal is complete without leftovers. 
What business is a yenta in? Yours. 
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall. 
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon. 
Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.

During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.

A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the star of David is empty

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: “Young man. Don’t you realize that this is a Catholic country? You’ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.”

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: “Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business.”

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend

A lady went down for breakfast in her Miami Beach hotel.
She noticed another lady and went to speak to her.
“Hello, my dear, you’re not from around here, are you?”
“No,” replied the second, “I’m from Mars.”
Asked the first lady, “Mars? Do all Martian ladies have green skin as you do?”
“Yes, all Martian ladies have green skin like mine.”
“And do all Martian ladies have 3 eyes as you do?”
“Yes, all Martian ladies have 3 eyes like me.”
“And do all Martian ladies have 6 fingers on each hand as you do?”
“Yes, all Martian ladies have 6 fingers on each hand like I do.”
“And do all Martian ladies have so many diamonds?”
“No... Not the goyim.”

Moses was an avid golfer. He spent all of his time either golfing or talking about golf. One day, Moses approached God and asked if he could go to earth to play in the Masters tournament. Exasperated by Moses’ golf fanaticism, God gave him permission to go.
On the fourth hole, Moses hits his tee shot into the water. He walked over to the water hazard and raises his 3 Iron into the air.  Miraculously, the water parts leaving his golf ball exposed for an easy shot to the green.
One of his golfing partners turns to the other and says “Who does he think he is, Moses?”
Suddenly a voice booms out from above: “No! Jack Nicklaus!”

WHEN DOCTORS WERE TOLD TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE CONSTRUCTION OF A NEW WING AT BETH ISRAEL HOSPITAL:

The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The opthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The parasitologists said, “well, if you encyst”.
The pathologists yelled, “over my dead body!”
The pediatricians said, “grow up”.
The proctologists said, “we are in arrears”.
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, “this puts a whole new face on the matter”.
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The chiropractors thought they were being manipulated.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
And the otologists were deaf to the idea.

THE COW

A little town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk.  The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles but they could get a cow from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream and everybody loved this cow. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.  When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the Rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. “Rabbi, we’ve tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?”
The Rabbi thought a moment and said, “Ok, why did you buy this cow from Minsk?”
“Rabbi,” they said, “you are so wise. We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?”
The Rabbi said, “My wife is from Minsk.”

Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible

The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.
Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.
Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.
Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times.
Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Team Sports

Yeshiva University decided to field a crew team. Unfortunately, they lost race after race. They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last.
The Rosh Yeshiva finally decided to send Yankel to spy on the Harvard team. So Yankel shlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the bullrushes off the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the Harvard team as they practiced.
Yankel finally returned to Yeshiva. “I have figured out their secret,” he announced. “They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting.”

The Conversion

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they’re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:
......”Born a Jew
.......Raised a Jew
.......Now a Catholic.”

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew’s house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the barbecue cooking steak.  He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying:
......”Born a cow
.......Raised a cow
.......Now a fish.”

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello? Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

All night Aharon talked with his new parrot with the Yiddisha Kup......................in Yiddish.  

Next morning, Aharon began to put on his tefillin, all the while, saying his prayers.  The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Aharon explained, the parrot wanted some too. Aharon went out and hand-made a miniature set of tefillin for the parrot.

The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer.  He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Aharon spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Aharon came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a fellow Jew.  

One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Aharon rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Aharon explained that Schul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Schul on Aharon's shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Aharon was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Aharon convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Aharon. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.  All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Aharon's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Aharon heard not a peep from the bird.  He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"

Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Aharon found that he owed his Schul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, extremely angry, saying nothing.  Finally several blocks from the schul the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Aharon stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tefillin and taught you the morning prayers and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah portions. And after that you  begged me to bring you to Schul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be silly," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur."

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," sez bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.

An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" sez buddy-bee.

The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life long Yankee fan. I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV".

The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCR's are for".

Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?

The Dog and the Funeral

A woman was leaving the 7-11 Store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind, were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."