A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very, VERY attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "Who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his puzzled look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and she walked out of the store.
The guy stood there for a minute dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is a really attractive woman who can't even keep track of who fathers her children!"
Then he began to get a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party back in college and then we got really drunk and had this wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's HEBREW SCHOOL TEACHER!"
Jewish Air Conditioning
It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of Henry Ford, the car maker, "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."
Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."
After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr. Ford."
"What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!" "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr.Ford, and push the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused.
And there is something else. The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-Conditioning must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!"
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!"
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' lastname would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.
And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel:
Norm, Hi and Max.
Things you never learned in Hebrew School
An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that she had never climaxed during sex and by birthright, all Jewish women are entitled to at least one climax during sex. So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi tells them to get a young, strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex. This, the rabbi says, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple tries it.
After several attempts, still no climax. They go back to the rabbi. The rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel. They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming earsplitting climaxes, one after the other. When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says, "You see, schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel!"
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?"
The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression - 'Vus tutzuch?' In Yiddish it means, "What's Happening?" They just ask each other Vus tutzuch, and they know everything."
The President can't believe a network is that good and decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, long grayish beard. etc.) is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Orthodox Jewish neighborhood.
Within three minutes a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus tutzuch?"
The old guy whispers back, "Bush is in Brooklyn."
Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.
Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
She screams, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they set their new brides straight on their household duties as wives.
The 1st man married a woman from Georgia and bragged that he had told her she was to do all the dishes and housecleaning needed. He said it took a couple days but on the 3rd day he came home to find the dishes and house spotlessly clean.
The 2nd man had married a woman from Idaho. He bragged that he had given his wife orders too, to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. He didn't see any results on the 1st day, but by the 3rd day, his house was clean, dishes done and a huge dinner on the table.
The 3rd man married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he had told his wife to clean the house, do the dishes and laundry, and that it was her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he still didn't see anything, but by the 3rd day the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye
Q: Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a
Jewish Marriage advice:
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5 pounds.
Morris, went to his rabbi for some needed advice.
Sam is shouting at his wife, Becky. "Oh no, not another new dress and
accessories. Just where do you think I am going to get the money to pay for it
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the
hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered
open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to cool off.
Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and
maybe even apologize.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that "Won Ton" spelled backwards is "Not Now."
There's a big controversy on question of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to inform her that her check had come back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."
A man calls his mother in Florida: "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answers, "I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "That's wonderful! What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll just sit here in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "I wish I had your will-power," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is Shooting Star." "How nice," says his mother. "I have an Indian name, too," he says. "It's Running Deer and I want you to call me that from now on." "How nice," says his mother. "You should have an Indian name, too, Mom," he says. "I already do," says the mother. "You can call me Sitting Shiva."
Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."
After many years, a Jewish mother gets the phone call she never thought she'd get from her openly gay son. "Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're going to get married." Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask if she's Jewish?" Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from a very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family." Mom is beside herself with joy and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me! What's her name?" The son says, "Monica Lewinsky." Mom is silent for a moment and then says, "What ever happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?"
If you are at a wedding and you want to know what type of Synagogue you are in, here is how you tell: At a Chassidic Synagogue, the mother-in-law is pregnant. At a Conservative Synagogue, the bride is pregnant. At a Reform Synagogue, the rabbi is pregnant
A group of leading medical researchers have published data indicating that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It seems that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran Matzos, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is..."Let My People Go."
Old Jewish men in Miami get hernias from wearing chai's which are too heavy. This condition is called chaiatal hernia!
If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry? A bris kit!
JEWISH JEOPARDY We give the answer, you give the question
A: The Gaza Strip
A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke
A: Filet Minyan
A: Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision
And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi is offering circumcisions via the Internet. The service is to be called..."E-MOIL
Four Jewish ladies are sitting around playing mah jongg.
The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all for a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But don't worry I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The next lady says, "Well, since we are having a true confessions here, I must get something off my chest. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry I have not hit on your husbands . They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I too must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry; I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also.....I am a Yenta and I have some phone calls to make."
Julius and Irving, two very religious Jewish men, visited Marcus Pinkus the tailor to have new black suits made. When they went to pick up the suits, Julius looked at his suit very carefully; held it up to the light, walked over to the window and examined it more carefully and then proclaimed, "Marcus, this suit is navy blue. It's not black!"
"Trust me." said Marcus, "It's black!"
"Irving, what do you think? Blue, or black?" asked Julius.
"To tell you the truth," said Irving, "I couldn't really tell from this light if it's blue or black"
They left wearing their new suits and while walking down the street kept examining each other's suit to see if it was blue or black. Then they spotted two nuns standing on the corner and decided to go stand next to them. They knew their habits would be black and this way they could be sure.
Well, later that afternoon, the two nuns returned to the convent and visited with mother superior to discuss their day in the city.
"A very strange thing occurred." reported one of the nuns. "Two Jewish men approached us on the street and they were speaking Latin!"
"Latin?" exclaimed mother superior. "Jewish men don't speak Latin;
they speak Hebrew!"
"Well, what did they say exactly," asked the mother superior.
"I'm not really sure," said one of the nuns. "They just kept repeating the same Latin phrase, "Marcus Pinkus Fuctus!"
The Priest And The Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After
a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I
know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you
really never even tasted it?"
A Jew converts and becomes a priest. He give his first mass in front of a
number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new
priest's sermon a cardinal goes up to congratulate him.
A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his
boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the island in a
dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach.
Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the role of magic lamps in jokes) he rubbed
A not particularly religious fellow wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is considered a sin. He is not sure if sex is considered "work."
He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says, "My son, I am positive sex is "work" and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?"
He goes to the minister--a married man--for the answer. He queries the
minister and receives
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely not work." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work... my wife would have the maid do
"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people." the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?"
After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well for one thing, the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years."
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So -- you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." He hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No . . . I think I'll wait for the police."
The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the star of David is empty
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: “Young man. Don’t you realize that this is a Catholic country? You’ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.”
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: “Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business.”
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend
A lady went down for breakfast in her Miami Beach hotel.
Moses was an avid golfer. He spent all of his time either golfing or talking
about golf. One day, Moses approached God and asked if he could go to earth to
play in the Masters tournament. Exasperated by Moses’ golf fanaticism, God gave
him permission to go.
WHEN DOCTORS WERE TOLD TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE CONSTRUCTION OF A NEW WING AT BETH ISRAEL HOSPITAL:
A little town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research
and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles but they could
get a cow from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So they got the cow from Minsk.
Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible
The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.
Yeshiva University decided to field a crew team. Unfortunately, they lost
race after race. They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come
in any better than dead last.
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics
go crazy because, while they’re morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside
barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by
threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who
sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:
The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
All night Aharon talked with his new parrot with the Yiddisha Kup......................in
Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," sez bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" sez buddy-bee.
The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life long Yankee fan. I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV".
The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCR's are for".
Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?
The Dog and the Funeral
A woman was leaving the 7-11 Store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind, were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."