A Napoleonic Complex
A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power -- everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
"I've good news for you," said the psychiatrist. "You're a well man. It won't be necessary for you to continue the analysis any longer."
"How wonderful, doctor," said the patient. "I'm so very pleased, I wish there were something special I could do for you in return."
"Oh, that's not necessary. You've paid your bill and that's all that's expected."
"But really, doctor, I'm so elated I could kiss you!"
"No, don't do that. Actually, we shouldn't even be lying here on the couch together
A Less Expensive Cure
Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under...you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.
Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
He Thinks He's a Light Bulb
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have mulitple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
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If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer.