Office Humor

2005 New Employee Rules & Regulations

Dress Code
It Is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

A native American walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."

He gets the native American a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the native American turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The native American smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

Sung to "American Pie" by Don McLean

VERSE 1
A long, long, time ago...
I can still remember how that software made the business play.
And my dream that I held so dear,
And worked on for my whole career,
Was that the information could pay.
But Harvard reached into its quiver,
And to the boardroom did deliver.
Cutbacks on our spending,
The IT boom was ending...
I can't remember if they laughed,
As our department was de-staffed,
And lost the knowledge of our craft,
The day that I-T died.
So...

CHORUS
Bye, Bye Mr. CIO-Guy,
Gonna outsource every resource 'til the business runs dry.
And MBAs count the beans going by and singing
This'll make the P-E go high!
This'll make the P-E go high!

VERSE 2
Did you write for M-V-S?
And transactions for C-I-C-S?
Using V-TAM to make it go...
And do you believe in middleware?
With objects calling here and there,
And can you teach me all about O-O?
Well I know that you've got Java-Juice
Cuz I saw your beans go flying loose
You loved J-2-E-E...
And thought you could port for free!
I was an engineer writing to dot-NET
Using V-B as my Erector Set,
When I saw there was trouble yet,
The day that I-T died...
I started singing...

CHORUS
Bye, Bye Mr. CIO-Guy,
Gonna outsource every resource 'til the business runs dry.
And MBAs count the beans going by and singing
This'll make the P-E go high!
This'll make the P-E go high!

VERSE 3
Now, it's been years since the seed was sown
And the G-D-P fell like a stone,
But that's not how it used to be...
When the BUNCH gave way for the Old Big Blue
Which unbundled as it got the screw
And Maynard made a toy called PDP...
And as the mainframe held the crown,
The UNIX boys just went to town
Adolescence had been spurned,
Adulthood had been earned.
And Bill read a book by Adam Smith,
Moore's Law didn't prove a myth,
And PC's singed the monolith
The day that I-T died.
We were singing...

CHORUS
Bye, Bye Mr. CIO-Guy,
Gonna outsource every resource 'til the business runs dry.
And MBAs count the beans going by and singing
This'll make the P-E go high!
This'll make the P-E go high!

VERSE 4
N-tier, Web-sphere, could be svelter...
Dot-Net doesn't weigh in welter...
X-M-L ain't parsing fast...
Standards started to amass;
The vendors flirted with impasse
And customers observed it with aghast...
Oh, to Inter-op with our heirloom
To unify and to subsume,
At first we looked askance,
Then we tried to get finance!
But the 'counters argued 'bout the yield
"Cut the cost" was what they squealed!
Do you recall it all congealed?
The day that I-T died?
They started singing...

CHORUS
Bye, Bye Mr. CIO-Guy,
Gonna outsource every resource 'til the business runs dry.
And MBAs count the beans going by and singing
This'll make the P-E go high!
This'll make the P-E go high!

VERSE 5
Oh, and there we were all in the dumps,
The dot-COM crash had dealt its lumps
But we were ready to go again...
So come on integrate and interoperate
Invest to dis-intermediate... Then
That missive from Harvard did descend...
Oh, and as I watched them turn the page
I knew their thoughts would not be sage
There was no simple charm...
To stop that specious harm...
And as pink slips caused an exit flight
Of jobs to Bangalore's new site
I saw Harvard laughing with delight
The day that I-T died
They were singing...

CHORUS
Bye, Bye Mr. CIO-Guy,
Gonna outsource every resource 'til the business runs dry.
And MBAs count the beans going by and singing
This'll make the P-E go high!
This'll make the P-E go high!

VERSE 6
I met a girl, who wrote the news,
And I asked her for some upbeat clues,
But Esther held a big soiree...
I went down to the old raised floor,
Where the MIPS had churned those years before,
But computing had become... passé...
And loading docks had tumbleweeds,
The factories stopped, the profit bleeds,
The damage wasn't staved off,
The I-T Staff was laid-off.
And the men that I admire least,
The MBAs trained in the East,
Ensured their salaries were increased,
The day that I-T Died...

CHORUS
So Bye, Bye Mr. CIO-Guy,
Gonna outsource every resource 'til the business runs dry.
And MBAs count the beans going by and singing
This'll make the P-E go high!
This'll make the P-E go high!

They were singin'

Bye, Bye Mr. CIO-Guy,
Gonna outsource every resource 'til the business runs dry.
And MBAs count the beans going by and singing
This'll make the P-E go high!

A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element tentatively has been named "Corporatium". Corporatium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Corporatium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Corporatium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Corporatium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Corporatium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Corporatium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

You will know it when you see it...

Employee Appraisal Comments

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."!
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

Subject: Warner Brother Music Personnel Cut Back

Dear Warner Music employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department use, we are forced to cut down on personnel. Under a new plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).  Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees may also request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its program of employee development through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.  If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

Once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

The Warner Music Group Management.

Office Math

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

and

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top. And, look how far this will take you:

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 127%

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Character above reproach: Still one-step ahead of the law.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the butt.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no one else.
Judgment is usually sound: Lucky.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hardheaded.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock-watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Management vs IT

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts ...

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?".

The man below says ... "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must work in business."

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."