YOU MIGHT REDNECK IF....

1. Your mother doesn't put on her shoes to go grocery shopping.
2. You've ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
3. You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
4. Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
5. You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
6. You've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
7. Your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
8. You owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.
9. You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
10. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
11. You mow your lawn and find a car.
12. You can spit without opening your mouth.
13. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
14. You go shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
15. You still have Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
16. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
17. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
18. You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
19. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
20. You roll your hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
21. You've never paid for a haircut.
22. You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
23. You think the Mountain Men is Deliverance were just "misunderstood."
24. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
25. The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year."
26. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
27. You own at least 20 baseball caps.
28. You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
29. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.
30. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
31. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
32. Your screen door has no screen.
33. Your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one that hangs' round over yonder, back 'ah Bubba's barn..."
34. Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
35. Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
36. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing
you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
37. You have house that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't.
38. Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
39. Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
40. You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
41. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
42. You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
43. You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
44. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
45. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
46. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
47. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
48. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
49. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
50. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
51. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
52. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
53. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
54. Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire... on her house.
55. The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
56. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
57. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
58. You celebrate Groundhog's Day because you believe in it.
59. Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
60. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like.
61. You fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.
62. You see a sign that says "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
63. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
64. Getting a page from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
65. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station too see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
66. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
67. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You."
68. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
69. Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
70. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays
you for it.)
71. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
72. You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
73. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
74. Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
75. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
76. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
77. Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
78. During your senior year, you and your mother had homeroom together.
79. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
80. On your fist date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
81. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
82. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
83. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
84. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
85. You have a color coordinated rope that ties down your car hood.
86. You bring your dog to work with you.
87. Your grandmother can properly execute the sleeper hold.
88. You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
89. You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
90. Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
91. Your masseuse uses lard.
92. Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
93. You use your fishing license as a form of ID
94. On stage night, you take a real deer.
95. You use a 55 Chevy as a guesthouse.
96. Your back porch is bigger than your house.
97. You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.
98. Your kids' favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.
99. Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.
100. You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
101. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
102. Your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
103. You have more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.
104. Your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade.
105. You've ever been too drunk to fish.
106. Someone asks for your ID and you show 'em your belt buckle.
107. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
108. Every day somebody comes to your door mistakenly thinking that you're having a yard sale.
109. The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
110. You prefer to walk the access length of your jeans rather than hem them.
111. You smoked during your wedding.
112. People ask to hunt in your front yard.
113. Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
114. Your check feature pictures of dogs fighting.
115. Your mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said, "Ya'll come look at this before I flush it.
116. Your satellite dish is bigger than your house.
117. Your tires on your truck are bigger than your wife.
118. You've ever driven a tractor to school.
119. Your high school prom had a day care center.
120. You have more than five magazines on the back of your toilet.
121. There is a shrine to the Dukes of Hazard somewhere in your home.
122. Your dad has ever been married so many times that U-haul gives him Christmas cards.
123. You had a necklace made from a beer tab.
124. Your grandma got in a fist-fight over a handicap parking space.
125. You think the Indy 500 is 500 Indians running down a hill.
126. If your life long dream is to get the autograph of the General Lee from the TV show Dukes of Hazard.
127. If you apologize to your car repeatedly just to get it started.
128. If you pet someone else's dog and your wife thinks you're flirting.
129. If your idea of a night on the town is ordering two Big Macs and a large fry.
130. If the couch in your living room was found beside the curb.
131. If the furniture on your front lawn is in better condition then the furniture in your living room.
132. If your idea of home improvement is rearranging the cars in your front yard.
133. If your "I Love...." tattoo has more than one name crossed out on it.
134. If you met your first and present wife at the Dairy Queen.
135. If your idea of a divorce settlement is splitting the bills equally.
136. If you have at least one of those clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house.
137. If you've ever thought about trying to install a clapper device on your car as a remote starter.
138. If you refuse to live in a house because there isn't enough room for all of your cars.
139. If you memorize redneck jokes so you can be the life of the party.
140. If more than one of your friends shows up at your Halloween party wearing a lampshade asking "Know what I am?"
141. If your girlfriends idea of safe sex is to lock the car door.
142. If the entire police force of your town knows you on a first name basis.
143. If you have a 'reserved' cell at the police station.
144. If you've ever tried to marry a judge just to get out of paying a traffic ticket.
145. If you think a blood alcohol test is used to make sure there isn't any blood in your case of beer.
146. If you watch the "Jeff Foxworthy Show" religiously.
147. If you lie awake at night thinking of redneck jokes to submit to Jeff Foxworthy.
148. If you prefer to kill what you eat rather than buying what you eat.
149. If the Home Shopping channel is the second most watched program in your house (Hee-Haw being the first).
150. You think going formal is wearing your good overalls.

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