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Swingin’
Dick’s Bedroom Golf Rules
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Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
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Player shall furnish own equipment: one club and two balls.
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The object of the game is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out
of the hole.
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Club must have a firm shaft; course owners are permitted to check stiffness
before play begins.
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Course owners may restrict length of club to avoid damage to the hole.
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Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or
currently playing to the owner of the course being played; (upset course
owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.)
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Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.
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Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting
to play the “backside”.
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Slow play is encouraged; however players should be prepared to proceed at a
quick pace at course owner’s request.
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It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same
hole several times in one match.
Golf Etiquette
Posted At A Local Golf Club
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Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
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Form a loose grip.
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Keep your head down.
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Avoid a quick back swing.
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Stay out of the water.
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Try not to hit anyone.
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If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
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Don't stand directly in front of others.
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Quiet please while others are preparing to go.
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Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
20 Laws of Golf
- No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This
law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency
to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a
lifetime.
- Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of
people you tell about the former.
- Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven
in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the
greater its attraction to water.
- Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the
tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
- No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners
must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
- The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as
an instructor.
- Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
- Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
- Palm trees eat golf balls.
- Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against
you?
- Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.
- A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in
your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a
football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS
agent __ or some similar combination.
- All 3_woods are demon-possessed.
- Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three).
- A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
- "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough
break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
- The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who
beats you.
- The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to
what it really should be.
- Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
- All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of
the same day.
A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business
meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the
meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.
While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady
playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her
if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you
are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with
the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you
must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round
and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the
bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was
a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me
buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales
profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't."
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to
stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his
golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his
round of golf.
After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of
groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac.
Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to
pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of
groceries.
He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you
please do me a favor?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I can't reach
into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my
groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my
Cadillac keys out?" "No problem," she replied.
When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well
and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf
tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what
are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm
driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Cadillac people think of
everything."
I
once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!!
Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked
his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the
windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle,
and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars. Jack raced over to
the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost
immediately a policeman arrived and spotted Jack standing next to the crashed
car eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the
policeman. Jack looked up. "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is change my
grip."
A
hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the
luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day.
Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He
looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going
to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't
think you could keep your head down that long."
During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of
exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with
their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it
be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"
Two women were
put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for
the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your
handicap?" "Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed
the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her. "Yes, I
write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"
Scott was
staying in a tiny hotel on a small Caribbean island and decided to play a round
of golf at the local club course. He was assigned a caddy who carried the bag
over one shoulder and a gun over the other. Scott, a little unsettled by seeing
the rifle, hooked his first tee shot into the rough. When he went to take his
second shot, an alligator charged him, but quick as a flash, the caddy shot the
animal dead in his tracks. On the second tee, Scott again drove into the rough,
where another alligator darted out to attack him. Once again, the caddy shot in
the nick of time. On the third hole, Scott's iron shot from the fairway rolled
into some mud right next to a sleeping alligator. Scott looked expectantly at
his caddy, who made no move to unshoulder the rifle. "Aren't you going to take
care of the alligator?" asked Scott. The caddy shook his head, "No extra shots
on a par 3."
One evening a man and wife were lying in bed. He was reading
and she was watching television and brooding.
"Darling," she started.
"Um," he replied.
"If I died would you get married again?" she continued.
Knowing this was a trick question, he thought for a moment before answering. "I
don't see why not. Our marriage has been a happy one and you'd want me to be
happy again, wouldn't you?" he countered laying down his book and taking her
hand.
"Yes, I suppose," she answered.
They continued in silence for a while; his reading and her watching television
and continuing to brood.
"Darling," she started again.
"Um," he replied.
"If you got married again, would you let your new wife wear my dresses?"
He put his book down and once again took her hand. Again realizing this was a
loaded question with no correct answer, he thought for a moment and answered. "I
guess I would. After all, it would be a shame just to throw away those nice
clothes of yours."
They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and
brooding even more.
"Darling," she once again started.
"Um," he replied.
"Would you let her wear my shoes?"
This time without putting his book aside, he said, "Yes, and for the same
reason. It would be a shame to throw away all your expensive shoes."
They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and
brooding herself into a darker mood.
"Darling," she said, renewing the inquisition.
"Um," he replied.
"Would you let her use my new Ping golf clubs?"
With no hesitation, he answered, "Of course not, she's left-handed."
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