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Swingin’ Dick’s Bedroom Golf Rules 

  1. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

  2. Player shall furnish own equipment: one club and two balls.

  3. The object of the game is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

  4. Club must have a firm shaft; course owners are permitted to check stiffness before play begins.

  5. Course owners may restrict length of club to avoid damage to the hole.

  6. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played; (upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.)

  7. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.

  8. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the “backside”.

  9. Slow play is encouraged; however players should be prepared to proceed at a quick pace at course owner’s request.

  10. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.


    Golf Etiquette


    Posted At A Local Golf Club 

    1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

    2. Form a loose grip.

    3. Keep your head down.

    4. Avoid a quick back swing.

    5. Stay out of the water.

    6. Try not to hit anyone. 

    7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

    8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

    9. Quiet please while others are preparing to go.

    10. Don't take extra strokes.

    Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off. 

    20 Laws of Golf
    1. No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
    2. Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
    3. Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
    4. Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
    5. No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
    6. The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
    7. Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
    8. Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
    9. Palm trees eat golf balls.
    10. Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
    11. Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
    12. A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent __ or some similar combination.
    13. All 3_woods are demon-possessed.
    14. Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three). 
    15. A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
    16. "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
    17. The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
    18. The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
    19. Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
    20. All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

    A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.

    While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

    He thanked her and went back to his golf.

    On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."

    Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

    She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

    "No I wouldn't."

    "Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."

    She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

    "That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

    A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf.

    After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries.

    He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favor?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?" "No problem," she replied.

    When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything."

    I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer!!

    Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars. Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately a policeman arrived and spotted Jack standing next to the crashed car eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman. Jack looked up. "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is change my grip."

    A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long." 

    During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?" 

    Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?" "Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

    Scott was staying in a tiny hotel on a small Caribbean island and decided to play a round of golf at the local club course. He was assigned a caddy who carried the bag over one shoulder and a gun over the other. Scott, a little unsettled by seeing the rifle, hooked his first tee shot into the rough. When he went to take his second shot, an alligator charged him, but quick as a flash, the caddy shot the animal dead in his tracks. On the second tee, Scott again drove into the rough, where another alligator darted out to attack him. Once again, the caddy shot in the nick of time. On the third hole, Scott's iron shot from the fairway rolled into some mud right next to a sleeping alligator. Scott looked expectantly at his caddy, who made no move to unshoulder the rifle. "Aren't you going to take care of the alligator?" asked Scott. The caddy shook his head, "No extra shots on a par 3."

    One evening a man and wife were lying in bed. He was reading and she was watching television and brooding.
    "Darling," she started.
    "Um," he replied.
    "If I died would you get married again?" she continued.
    Knowing this was a trick question, he thought for a moment before answering. "I don't see why not. Our marriage has been a happy one and you'd want me to be happy again, wouldn't you?" he countered laying down his book and taking her hand.
    "Yes, I suppose," she answered.
    They continued in silence for a while; his reading and her watching television and continuing to brood.
    "Darling," she started again.
    "Um," he replied.
    "If you got married again, would you let your new wife wear my dresses?"
    He put his book down and once again took her hand. Again realizing this was a loaded question with no correct answer, he thought for a moment and answered. "I guess I would. After all, it would be a shame just to throw away those nice clothes of yours."
    They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding even more.
    "Darling," she once again started.
    "Um," he replied.
    "Would you let her wear my shoes?"
    This time without putting his book aside, he said, "Yes, and for the same reason. It would be a shame to throw away all your expensive shoes."
    They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding herself into a darker mood.
    "Darling," she said, renewing the inquisition.
    "Um," he replied.
    "Would you let her use my new Ping golf clubs?"
    With no hesitation, he answered, "Of course not, she's left-handed."