Baseball in Heaven
Two buddies Bob and Jim were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Bob
and Jim discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box
score during the season. They went to every home game. They even agreed that
whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was
baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victory.
He died happy. A few nights later, Jim awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from
beyond. "Bob is that you?" Jim asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Jim exclaimed. "So tell me, is there
baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to
hear first?" asked Bob.
"Tell me the good news first," demanded Jim.
"Well, the good news Jim is that, yes, there is baseball in
heaven."
"That is wonderful! What could possibly be the bad news?"
"Jim, you're pitching tomorrow night."
Who's on First? (the famous Abbott and
Costello routine)
COSTELLO:
Hey Abbott, you're the manager of the baseball team?
ABBOTT:
That's right.
COSTELLO:
Well, if I'm gonna play on the baseball team I gotta know the baseball players'
names. Do you know the guys' names?
ABBOTT:
Oh sure.
COSTELLO:
Okay, you go ahead and tell me some of their names.
ABBOTT:
Well, I'll introduce you to the boys. But you know sometimes nowadays they give
ballplayers peculiar names.
COSTELLO:
You mean funny names.
ABBOTT:
Nicknames, pet names, like Dizzy Dean.
COSTELLO:
His brother Daffy.
ABBOTT:
Daffy Dean.
COSTELLO:
And their cousin.
ABBOTT:
Who's that?
COSTELLO:
Goofy.
ABBOTT:
Goofy, huh? Now let's see. We have on the bags, we have Who's on first, What's
on second, I Don't Know's on third.
COSTELLO:
That's what I wanna find out.
ABBOTT:
I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
COSTELLO:
You know the fellas' names?
ABBOTT:
Certainly.
COSTELLO:
Well then who's on first?
ABBOTT:
Yes.
COSTELLO:
I mean the fella's name.
ABBOTT:
Who.
COSTELLO:
The guy on first base.
ABBOTT:
Who.
COSTELLO:
The guy on first base.
ABBOTT:
Who.
COSTELLO:
The guy on first base.
ABBOTT:
Who is on first!
COSTELLO:
Now whaddya askin' me for?
ABBOTT:
I'm telling you Who is on first.
COSTELLO:
Well, I'm asking YOU who's on first!
ABBOTT:
That's the man's name.
COSTELLO:
That's who's name?
ABBOTT:
Yes.
COSTELLO:
Well go ahead and tell me.
ABBOTT:
Who.
COSTELLO:
The guy on first.
ABBOTT:
Who!
COSTELLO:
The first baseman.
ABBOTT:
Who is on first!
COSTELLO:
Now wait a minute. (pause) Have you got a contract with the first
baseman?
ABBOTT:
Absolutely.
COSTELLO:
Who signs the contract?
ABBOTT:
Well, naturally!
(pause)
COSTELLO:
When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
ABBOTT:
Every dollar of it. (pause) Why not? The man's entitled to it.
COSTELLO:
Who is?
ABBOTT:
Yes. (pause) Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
COSTELLO:
Who's wife?
ABBOTT:
Right.
(pause)
COSTELLO:
All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name on first base!
ABBOTT:
Oh, no--wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. What is on second base.
COSTELLO:
I'm not askin' you who's on second.
ABBOTT:
Who is on first.
COSTELLO:
I don't know.
ABBOTT:
He's on third--now we're not talkin' about him.
COSTELLO:
Now, how did I get on third base?
ABBOTT:
You mentioned his name.
COSTELLO:
I mentioned his name! If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is
playing third?
ABBOTT:
No--Who is playing first.
COSTELLO:
Never mind first! I wanna know what's the guy's name on third.
ABBOTT:
No--What's on second.
COSTELLO:
I'm not askin' you who's on second!
ABBOTT:
Who's on first.
COSTELLO:
I don't know!
ABBOTT:
He's on third.
COSTELLO:
Aaah! Would you please stay on third base and don't go off it?
ABBOTT:
What is it you want?
COSTELLO:
Now tell me who's playin' third base?
ABBOTT:
Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
COSTELLO:
Why? Who am I putting over there?
ABBOTT:
Yes. But we don't want him there.
COSTELLO:
We don't want who there?
ABBOTT:
Of course not.
COSTELLO:
What's the guy's name on third base?
ABBOTT:
What belongs on second.
COSTELLO:
I'm not askin' you who's on second.
ABBOTT:
Who's on first.
COSTELLO:
I don't know!
ABBOTT & COSTELLO:
THIRD BASE!
(pause)
COSTELLO:
You got an outfield?
ABBOTT:
Oh yes!
COSTELLO:
The left fielder's name?
ABBOTT:
Why.
(pause)
COSTELLO:
I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.
ABBOTT:
Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
COSTELLO:
Alright, then tell me who's playin' left field.
ABBOTT:
Who is playing first--
COSTELLO:
STAY OUTTA THE INFIELD! I wanna know what's the left fielder's name.
ABBOTT:
What's on second.
COSTELLO:
I'm not askin' you who's on second.
ABBOTT:
Who's on first.
COSTELLO:
I don't know.
ABBOTT & COSTELLO:
THIRD BASE!
(pause)
COSTELLO:
Can you tell me the left fielder's name?
ABBOTT:
Why.
COSTELLO:
Because!
ABBOTT:
Oh, he's center field. (pause) I can't help it, Lou--these are the guys'
names.
(pause)
COSTELLO:
Look, you got a pitcher on this team?
ABBOTT:
Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.
COSTELLO:
Okay, tell me the pitcher's name.
ABBOTT:
Tomorrow.
(pause)
COSTELLO:
You don't wanna tell me today?
ABBOTT:
I'm tellin' you now.
COSTELLO:
Then go ahead.
ABBOTT:
Tomorrow.
COSTELLO:
What time?
ABBOTT:
What time what?
COSTELLO:
What time tomorrow you gonna tell me who's pitching?
ABBOTT:
Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is on fir--
COSTELLO:
I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM you say Who's on first! I wanna know what's the pitcher's
name.
ABBOTT:
What's on second.
COSTELLO:
I don't know.
ABBOTT & COSTELLO:
THIRD BASE!
COSTELLO:
You got a catcher?
ABBOTT:
Oh, absolutely.
COSTELLO:
The catcher's name?
ABBOTT:
Today.
COSTELLO:
Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
ABBOTT:
Now you've got it.
COSTELLO:
All we got is a couple of days on the team.
ABBOTT:
Well, I can't help that.
COSTELLO:
Well, I'm a catcher too.
ABBOTT:
I know that.
COSTELLO:
Now suppose that I'm catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and their heavy
hitter gets up.
ABBOTT:
Yes.
COSTELLO:
Tomorrow throws the ball. The batter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me
being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the
ball and throw it to who?
ABBOTT:
Now that's the first thing you've said right.
COSTELLO:
I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!
ABBOTT:
Well, that's all you have to do.
COSTELLO:
--is to throw the ball to first base.
ABBOTT:
Yes.
COSTELLO:
Now who's got it?
ABBOTT:
Naturally!
COSTELLO:
If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta catch it. Now who caught it?
ABBOTT:
Naturally!
(pause)
COSTELLO:
Who caught it?
ABBOTT:
Naturally.
(pause)
COSTELLO:
Who?
ABBOTT:
Naturally!
COSTELLO:
Naturally.
ABBOTT:
Yes.
COSTELLO:
So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
ABBOTT:
NO, NO, NO! You throw the ball to first base and Who gets it.
COSTELLO:
Naturally.
ABBOTT:
That's right. There we go.
COSTELLO:
So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
ABBOTT:
You don't!
COSTELLO:
I throw it to who?
ABBOTT:
Naturally.
COSTELLO:
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
ABBOTT:
No you're not, Lou.
COSTELLO:
I said I throw the ball to Naturally.
ABBOTT:
You don't--you throw it to Who?
COSTELLO:
Naturally!
ABBOTT:
Well, say that!
COSTELLO:
THAT'S WHAT I SAID! I throw the ball to who?
ABBOTT:
Naturally.
COSTELLO:
You ask me.
ABBOTT:
You throw the ball to Who?
COSTELLO:
Naturally.
ABBOTT:
That's it.
COSTELLO:
SAME AS YOU!! I throw the ball to first base and who gets it?
ABBOTT:
Naturally!
COSTELLO:
Who has it?
ABBOTT:
Naturally!
COSTELLO:
HE BETTER HAVE IT! I throw the ball to first base. Whoever it is grabs the ball,
so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What
throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow--triple play!
ABBOTT:
Yes.
COSTELLO:
Another guy gets up--it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on
third and I don't give a damn!
ABBOTT:
What was that?
COSTELLO:
I said I don't give a damn!
ABBOTT:
Oh, that's our shortstop.
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