Lawyer Jokes

Man walks into a bar.

He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar  stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there good looking,  how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and  says, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my  place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of  college. I just flat out love it."

He says, "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

A third grade teacher was asking her students about their fathers' line of work.  Little Susie said "My dad is a doctor."  Joey said "My father is a plumber."  Mary said "Mine is a teacher."  Tommy said "My father is a transvestite hooker."

The teacher, aghast, asked Tommy to see her after class.  When questioned further, Tommy said "I was too embarrassed to tell his real job.  He is a lawyer."

Q. What's wrong with lawyer jokes?

A. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

What is a lawyer?

• An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession.
• One skilled in circumvention of the law.
• A persons who writes a 10,000 word document and call it a brief.
• A liar with a permit to practice.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

When his lips are moving.

A small town that can’t support one lawyer can always support two.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those that know the law and those that know the judge.

The minute you read something you don’t understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.

After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night’s shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn.

Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.

Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn’t long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.

The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.

Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig.

A famous lawyer found himself at heaven’s gates confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake -- he was only 49 and far too young to be dead.

“That’s odd,” said St. Peter, “according to the hours you’ve billed you’re 119 years old.”

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers -- we had $100 when we broke in!"

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go -- and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

“That’s unfair!” he cried. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.”

“Shut up,” barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.

“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ‘here lies an honest lawyer.”

“But that won’t let people know who it is,” protested the lawyer.

“Certainly will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim “That’s Strange!”

Applying for a job, the new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be a problem.

“No,” he replied. “I paid that back right after my first case.”

“Really,” said the interviewer. “What case was that?”

“Uh -- well, my dad sued me for it and won.”

One juror overheard saying to another...”You’ll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!”