Mr. Jim Perkins, the biology instructor as a posh suburban girl's junior
college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the of the
human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its
normal size, and define the conditions. Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly,
"Mr. Perkins, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure
you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim
light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins.
"And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not
studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be
faced with a dreadful disappointment."
Students Science Bloopers
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMMENTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAMS:
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the
cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great
deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation
and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures
another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy
it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting
hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found in rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When passing through Missouri, a typhoon is really not a hurricane but a
Scientists have found that when a toadstool is not a mushroom it is poison.
When they broke open molecules they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But
when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets
do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the Earth seems to be knowingly keep its distance from the sun, it is
really only centrificating.
Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into
a sun in the daytime.
One hundred humidities equal 1 rain.
Question: In a free fall, how long would it take to reach the ground from a
height of 1,000 feet?
Answer: I have never performed this experiment.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees
between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Hard mud is called shale. Soft mud is called gooey.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Find them all means living forever.
There is a termendious (no spelling mistake) weight pressing down on the center
of the Earth because of so much population stomping around here these days.
Lime is a green tasting rock.
Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be
oil. A fossil is a dead bone.
Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
When there is a fog, you might as well not mind looking at it.
When a wave rolls over itself it is called a breaker. Of just about anything I
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track
of humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
When rain water strikes forest fires, it beckstingwishes them. Luckily it
effects we of the humans unlike that.
Rain is often spoken of as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes
What's So Funny?
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It
was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you
for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title
the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is
an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,
"What's so funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment
is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So
she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from
another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
The Math Problem
A teacher was helping her student with a math problem. She recited the following
story : "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of
the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"
The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no. Let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds
up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots
one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the
"None," the boy says with authority. The teacher sighs. "Tell me
how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the hunter shot one bird, he
scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the
way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are
three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the
popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle.
Which one is married?" he asked innocently.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three
shades of red.
"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the popsicle,
one is biting, and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied," the
one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on.
But I like the way you think."
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research
project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement
for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being
late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's
A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up
"But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students finally
settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look.
"Well", he responded, "I guess you'll just have to write with
your other hand.
Smart Little Johnny
One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on
each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers
correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday the teacher asks: "How many grains of sand are on the
beach?" needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class: "How many stars are in
the sky?" and again no one could answer.
Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer
the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night Johnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black. The next
day he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day just when the
teacher says, "Here's this week's question, " Johnny empties the bag
to the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the front of the room.
Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire
class starts laughing.
The teacher says, "ok, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found
in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand,
you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
After a stunned silence, the class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face
turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said
(or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of
class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic. Totally
straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because
the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of