Abraham Lincoln

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. 

Aldous Huxley

An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex. 

Aldous Huxley, Eyeless in Gaza, 1936

Chastity:  The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. 

Alexander Woollcott

Nothing risqué, nothing gained. 

Andy Rooney

Men wake up aroused in the morning.  We can't help it.  We just wake up and we want you.  And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?"  It's because we can't see you.  We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. 

Arthur Hoppe

We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time. 

Author Unknown

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. 

Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped. 

When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave. 

A dirty book is rarely dusty. 

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.  When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. 

I think I could fall madly in bed with you. 

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.  The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out.  The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question." 

Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics. 

Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection. 

The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm. 

The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water:  not before or after, but instead. 

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 

An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it, the harder it gets. 

The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on. 

Kinky is using a feather.  Perverted is using the whole chicken. 

I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now. 

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. 

Never let the little head do the thinking for the big head. 

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions.  The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. 

Barbara Bush

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

Bette Davis

Sex is God's joke on human beings. 

Beverly Mickins

Conservatives say teaching sex education in the public schools will promote promiscuity.  With our education system?  If we promote promiscuity the same way we promote math or science, they've got nothing to worry about. 

Billy Crystal

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Joel

There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?  A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. 

Bob Hope

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. 

Bob Rubin

Condoms aren't completely safe.  A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. 

Brendan Francis, Playboy, 1985

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less. 

Butch Hancock

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:  One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.  The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. 

Cary Grant

To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent.  She can't wait to disprove it. 

Casey Stengel

Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player.  It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in. 

Charles Bukowski

Sex is interesting, but it's not totally important.  I mean it's not even as important (physically) as excretion.  A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement. 

Chinese Proverb

It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins. 

Clare Booth Luce

Nature abhors a virgin - a frozen asset. 

D.H. Lawrence

The tragedy is when you've got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs. 

Pornography is the attempt to insult sex, to do dirt on it. 

David Cort

Sex is the great amateur art.  The professional, male or female, is frowned on:  he or she misses the point, and spoils the show. 

David Lodge

Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around. 

Don Schrader

To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. 

Dorothy Parker

Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa. 

Drew Carey

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good.

Dustin Hoffman

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

Earl Butz

He no play-da-game.  He no make-a-da rules! 

Edwina Currie

My message to the businessman of this country when they go abroad on business is that there is one thing above all they can take with them to stop them catching AIDS, and that is the wife. 

Elizabeth Taylor

It is bad enough that people are dying of AIDS, but no one should die of ignorance. 

Elton John

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex.  People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats. 

Emo Phillips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Erica Jong, Playboy Magazine, September 1975

My reaction to porn films is as follows:  After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw.  After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live. 

Flash Rosenberg

How lucky we are that we can reach our genitals instead of that spot on our back that itches. 

Frederike Ryder

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky.  A woman already knows. 

From the television show The Golden Girls

Isn't it interesting how the sounds are the same for an awful nightmare and great sex? 

George Bernard Shaw

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope?  If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't! 

Instruction in sex is as important as instruction in food; yet not only are our adolescents not taught the physiology of sex, but never warned that the strongest sexual attraction may exist between persons so incompatible in tastes and capacities that they could not endure living together for a week much less a lifetime. 

George Burns

Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. 

Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

Gloria Leonard

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. 

Gore Vidal

I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults. 

Groucho Marx

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. 

H.G. Wells, 1935

When the history of civilization is written, it will be a biological history and Margaret Sanger will be its heroine. 

H.L. Mencken

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. 

Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull.  It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all.  Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill. 

Harlan Ellison

Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled. 

Harold Robbins

Sex got me into trouble from the age of fifteen:  I'm hoping that by the time I'm seventy I'll straighten it out. 

Henry Fielding

What is commonly called love, namely the desire of satisfying a voracious appetite with a certain quantity of delicate white human flesh. 

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good.

Honor Tracy

A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex.  He replied frankly:  "Because everything does." 

Iris Murdoch

There is nothing like early promiscuous sex for dispelling life's bright mysterious expectations. 

Isabel Allende

For women the best aphrodisiacs are words.  The G-spot is in the ears.  He who looks for it below there is wasting his time. 

J. Edgar Hoover

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. 

J.G. Ballard

A widespread taste for pornography means that nature is alerting us to some threat of extinction. 

Jay Leno

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward. 

Jay McInerney

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. 

Jack Nicholson

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Jayne Mansfield

Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. 

Jerry Seinfeld 

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."

Joan Rivers 

It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.

John Barrymore

Sex:  the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 

John Waters

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty. 

Karl Kraus

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. 

Leonardo da Vinci

The art of procreation and the members employed therein are so repulsive, that if it were not for the beauty of the faces and the adornments of the actors and the pent-up impulse, nature would lose the human species. 

Lily Tomlin

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. 

Lord Chesterfield

Sex:  the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable. 

Louise Sammons

If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time. 

Lynn Lavner

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL. 

Mae West

Sex is emotion in motion. 

Margaret Smith

The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently. 

Marge Piercy

It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover. 

Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. 

Marlene Dietrich

Sex.  In America an obsession.  In other parts of the world a fact. 

Matt Groening

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned.  Do not have sex with the authorities. 

Mignon McLaughlin

Desire is in men a hunger, in women only an appetite. 

Nymphomaniac:  a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. 

Mrs. Patrick Campbell

It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses. 

Oscar Wilde

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

P.J. O'Rourke

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.  Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. 

Quentin Crisp

Men get laid, but women get screwed. 

Richard Fleischer

Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires.  If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume? 

Rita Rudner

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen.  Women reach theirs at thirty-five.  Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? 

Robert De Niro 

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

Robert Heinlein

Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. 

Robin Williams 

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Rodney Dangerfield

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

S. Sachs

My cock doesn't talk politics. 

S.J. Perelman

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring. 

Sharon Stone 

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Spike Milligan

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. 

St. Jerome

Virginity can be lost by a thought. 

Steve Martin

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

You know "that look" women get when they want sex?  Me neither.

Swami X

Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer. 

Thomas Szasz

Masturbation:  the primary sexual activity of mankind.  In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure. 

Tiger Woods

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.

Tom Clancy

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Truman Capote

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it. 

W. Somerset Maugham

You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct. 

William B. Yeats

The tragedy of sexual intercourse is the perpetual virginity of the soul. 

Woody Allen

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast. 

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love. 

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. 

Sex relieves tension - love causes it. 

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best. 

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman. 

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception.  I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.' 

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.